I just need to get this out there.

Out of nowhere about three years ago I started struggling really bad with anxiety.  I'm not exactly sure of the MAIN cause, it started just after I had my first surgery in January 09'.  After multiple surgeries that year and my early retirement from motocross it escalated even more and made me start struggling with depression really badly.  

I was trying to cope with my motocross career being over.  Motocross was my life for 5 years.  I home schooled because I traveled so much racing and I couldn't attend a regular school.  5 days a week I would wake up, drive an hour to the track, ride for 4 hours, drive an hour home, go work out, and then with whatever time I had left I'd work on school.  Then countless weekends I'd be out of town racing at any given place in the states.  To say my life revolved around motocross would be a major understatement.  

When the time came to close the door and move forward, I was lost.  I didn't want to accept it but I couldn't really do much about it.  I felt like I lost my purpose in life.  At this point I really didn't know what to do with myself and I let my anxiety/depression start controlling my life.  For about a year I was off the radar.  I didn't really communicate with anyone or even hang out with friends for that matter.  I secluded myself away to my bedroom nights and weekends, instead of going out… 

So what'd I do about it?  I read a few books and had a few conversations with those around me.  My oldest brother really encouraged me to simply just, pursue what I want to do - get out of my hometown and go to school for design.  Up until he sat me down, I hadn't really had anyone tell me this simple advice 'DO WHAT MAKES YOU HAPPY/FOLLOW YOUR DREAMS'.  I know it almost sounds lame saying 'follow your dreams'.  But it's true, if you're gonna have to work your entire life, then at least do something you're passionate about.  Honestly, if it wasn't for him and the conversations we had, I don't know where I would be.  

Fast forward to the present….

I still struggle on and off with these emotions.  I'd love to say I fought off my demons and I'm completely cured.  But, I'm not.  I do have it under control a lot better then I used to.  Sometimes I'll go a week or even two without any problems then one day it'll all the sudden hit me out of nowhere.  And I'll struggle with it for a few days before getting back on track.  Some nights I can't even sit at a table full of friends, I just have to get up and leave.  It's really frustrating…  It's a fight each day, with some being easier then others.  But I remain positive because I know I'll get through it completely one day.  

I think no matter what path we take in life we're gonna have some rough patches.  I'm at a good point in my life now, I know I'm continuing to make an effort and striving towards making my dreams become reality.  In doing so I've pulled myself out of the slump that I used to be stuck in for so long and I've been out of it now for 7+ months.  I'm happy with myself for actually going after what I want the most, and not settling for less.  If you're doing the same thing you've always done, then you're going to get the same results you've always gotten.

It also has caused me to have really bad insomnia over the last few years.  And no, I'm not talking 2am and I'm still up.  I'm lucky to fall asleep before 5am.  It's usually in the range of 5am-6am when I fall asleep.  5 days a week I have to be up at 7am or 9am to go to class and I usually don't take naps during the day.  Sometimes I'll pull all nighters just so I can fall asleep at a decent time the next night.  Over the last 8+ months I've tried countless medicines to help me to sleep, but I still hadn't found anything that completely works.  But I do make the most of my time whether it be writing, studying, reading, designing, researching, etc…  

After reading all this don't take it as a pity party.  I know there's a million others out there like me, experiencing the same things and even 94390043x worse.  And for that reason it is my hope that others struggling can discover my blog and be able to relate and feel a sense of unity through my writing.  I'm working on some other blogs that kind've share what's helped me and gets me through my struggles.  


When I moved down to Austin I got a tattoo: Isaiah 41:10.  The verse reads: "Do not fear, for I am with you; do not look anxiously about you, for I am your God.  I will strengthen you, surely I will help you, surely I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."  This verse is essential to me as it describes so much of my life dealing with my anxiety problems.  I got it on my left wrist next to my scars that I received from my surgeries.  That way every time I look down I see the verse and am reminded.    

It also coincides with moving away to college and pursuing my dreams.  Moving away from home proved to be the hardest thing I've EVER done.  I moved three and a half hours away to a town where I knew no one.  I found my first roommate off Craigslist.  In the 4 months of living together we literally spoke a total of 50 words to each other.  Pretty sketchy, huh?  I had months of lonely nights and frustrations questioning my decisions.  Things were not working out as I envisioned.  It has been a trial to practice my faith and put my trust in God to let His will happen in His timing.  It seems like every time I start to doubt or get down, God opens a new door.  

The older I get, the less I care what others think of me.  I will be myself - real and honest.  From there, you can formulate your own opinions.  I'm tired of people putting on a show and acting like they are something/some one they are not.  So what if I don't fit the world's persona of what a teenager is classified as.  I'm sorry I'm not holding a cigaret in my profile picture, at the club every night getting wasted, or that at times I have a broken heart and I'm not afraid to admit it.  Just be real.

It is okay to admit you are hurt, you don't have to put on a front and act like you are perfectly happy.  
It is okay to tell him/her no, don't feed into the cheaply repressed words.
It is possible to move forward, and find genuine feelings of happiness.
It is okay to be you and not mold yourself to others beliefs because you feel the need to in order to fit in.  
---
Life is short.  
Do what you love.  Follow your passion.
Take chances; seize every opportunity you're given, as some only come once.
Don't over analyze, life is simple.
All you really have is the people around you and the things you create with them.  
This is your life, start living.


I'm young | I'm changing | I am learning.

Sent from my iPhone

Lately it seems like I can only find girls who want to party 24/7.  I mean I know I am in college, so I shouldn't really expect much more, lol.  Yet, It drives me to the point some nights that I wish I could be like the majority and just whore around, and be 'happy' - one night stands and weekly flings!  But anytime I bring myself into this situation, I just feel cheap and dirty.  It isn't worth it to me, I am sorry America, I let you down...

I think we all know from personal experience that most teenage relationships are like a roller coaster.  The first few months it is pretty smooth sailing and is all fun.  Then as the months pass by little things start to ignite small fights and those just lead to bigger fights.  I think 3 months is the biggest milestone most relationships face.  It seems like in every relationship around the 3 month period the waters seem to get rough.  And if you can keep your ship afloat and get thru the storm, then you have weathered the storm... for now.  Then it is back to smooth sailing for a period of time.  The next thing you know it has been a year or more and the fights just keep increasing and the bickering is at an all time high.  One week it is up and the next is down.  This week we are in love and we have finally figured it all out.  But in two weeks we are hitting our rock bottom, AGAIN.  This stage can last months.  Hell!  I have made this stage last a year and a half with one of my ex's, haha.  Both people are scared to completely let go of the other person, for good reason.  By this point it feels like you only have each other.  You have lost touch with 90% of your friends because you have blown them off to many times to count now.  Each of you are scared of the aloneness you will be faced with by parting ways.  You keep telling each other, "oh, we really love each other and in the end we'll make all this work out."  I mean yeah, maybe you really do love each other.  But if you can't mend your differences and make it work after the 45th try (or if you keep REPEATING the same mistakes over and over), then something has to change.  I was stuck in that stage for over a year where each of us was to scared to say goodbye, it was a dead end relationship.  We would date for a month without problems then hate each other for a few weeks, and just repeat the process.  I found myself drifting into that same stage in my last relationship as I moved off to college.  I promised myself that I wouldn't ever do that again, and I even told her at the beginning of our relationship we wouldn't turn into that couple.  But a year later here I was again starting the same phase, again.  It is so easy to tell other people how dumb they are for staying in a relationship and even laugh at them.  But when it comes to you and you are in the same situation, you do the exact same thing.  

Being able to actually say this is the end of us and follow thru is THE HARDEST THING EVER!  It is hard to be the mature one and say enough is enough.  I have always been a firm believer of listening to your heart, not your head.  But I think sometimes we have to listen to our head in order to do what is best for our future.  Especially when you've made countless efforts to improve the relationship and they all fail.  At least then you know in your heart that you tried and there is no regrets.  It is hard to realize that you both may be at different places in life and the timing just isn't right.  If you are not fully happy, feeling incomplete, still having to check-in a million times a day because of trust issues, or get in the occasional argument over old baggage, etc. - then do something about it.

I know I hadn't done a perfect job with relationships and struggle in that aspect of letting go.  It is just really hard to let go of some one you care so much about.  I have been on each side of the spectrum and both can be unbearable at times.  I think the harder side may be when you still care about some one completely, but you know you have to let them go.  And to be able to ignore your hearts pleads and follow thru with what your head is telling you, is the hardest.

A big part of failed (teenage) relationships are simply just that we change as we grow.  It has taken me years to realize that.  People change, especially teenagers.  It is crazy how much you change your views/thoughts on everything from age 14-19, I can't imagine when I am 21.  And sometimes it is really hard to understand that people do change, especially when you have been with them for years.  But you have to realize they are not the same person you fell for. 

You can't ever fully change some one, you can only change yourself.  Obviously, everyone is not going to be perfect.  But you will find some one who is close enough that you don't want to change everything about them.  And until you do, don't settle for less.  Don't try to change some one else, it takes away their uniqueness, and is only a waste of time.  Would you want to be changed yourself?  No, you want to be you.  You shouldn't have to completely change yourself to make some one else happy.  There is two ways you can look at it: everyone is perfect, in their own way. (or) no one is perfect, and everyone is different.

Sometimes life and relationships just flat out suck at times.  We want so badly to believe that everything is okay and will work out.  But truth is, sometimes we just have to move forward with our lives.  As bad as it hurts and how horrible it sounds, some people are better left in your past.  Sadly, life doesn't always work out like a romantic movie.  I believe a new door will always open when an old door closes behind you.  It may not be for a while but with time and new eyes, one will open.  I still question a lot of stuff and don't understand why it has happened, but I am sure I will one day.

I like to go back and read things I wrote a year or two ago.  I acted like the world was going to end if I didn't work thru those problems.  But now looking back at those situations and how they turned out, it all seems so irrelevant to what is going on in my life right now.  It is like a reality check reading my previous writings, a reminder that some things seem so big at the time and consume us.  Yet, later down the road, they are only a mere speed bump.  We work thru one problem only to encounter 500 more.  It is proof that we must always keep pushing forward in life.

People say they are to scared to put themselves out there and they fear falling in love with some one.  Because they don't want to end up alone and hurt.  Well, if you never try then how will you ever know (It is a lose, lose situation)?  The reward is worth the risk.  That is the point of dating and having relationships, to see if you are compatible with another person.  If you are not, then you move on to the next one, and try that person.  It seems like people get so caught up in a relationship they think their married.  You can't stay in a relationship just because you feel obligated or it is all you have known the past few years.  It sounds selfish, but you have to do what is best for you.  

Of writing or journaling - the moving of ink across the page opens up the eyes, sheds light, and focusses the lens.  Thus there are eyes in pencils and pens.

I would say writing is the biggest outlet for me, even more so then art.  A photo says a thousand words; but you can't relate to a photo.  I think the power in writing can physically and even emotionally heal your mind.  Writing allows us to explore the past and better understand our futures.  

By sharing your experiences with others, you are not only inviting people in to your life, but you are giving them something to relate to and identify with.  Maybe it is something they hadn't gone through yet, maybe they are going through it now, or maybe they have already been through it.  Any which way, it is a common bond shared by different people in a relatable way.  

I am very blessed to have 3 older brothers.  In the last few years I have become really close with my oldest brother.  I am a pretty stubborn person at times and listen to very few peoples opinions.  If there was ever a person that I was strongly influenced by, it would be him.  We are really similar in every aspect - music, artistically, lifestyle, etc…  He is 10 years older then me so he has gone through almost everything I am either going through right now, or will go through in the near future.  Being that he is my brother and only wants the absolute best for me, I know he would never steer me in the wrong direction.  It is amazing to have some one in your life like that.  A person you can call up about ANYTHING and know you will get honest feedback and advice.  

It is for that reason as to why I believe life in community can accomplish so much more for those hurting and struggling. Noah. soon.

"On every road
We cross alone
We're thinking of those we left back home
So follow the lines
And I'll be your guide
'Cause we're the lucky ones
On Every Road"

As long as I can remember I don't think I have ever made a new years resolution.  So what a better time to start, then now!  Haha.  

1. STAY FOCUSSED ON SCHOOL AND GETTING MY DEGREE.  I'm first getting my associates of applied science for interactive media design.  Once I'm finished with that I plan to obtain my BFA in the same general field from an arts school.
(although this resolution goes for the next 3-4 years, not just this year)  

Sometimes when I come home to visit for a few days I get mixed back in with that attitude of, "yeah! lets not do anything, and relive the ol high school days".  But then I come back to Austin and surface back to reality within a few days.  So, stay focussed.


2. TAKE MY OWN ADVICE!  I'd like to think I'm good at giving advice on relationships and similar things, but not so great at taking my own advice.  On the surface I hold my emotions pretty well for the most part.  But on the inside it's a life or death fight trying to stick to what I know needs to be done.  


Anyways…  I'm working on a new blog series, kind've charting the adventures of my depression.  It's going to be pretty in depth and personal, an adventure. 

Noah will release soon, promise.  I just have to finish up my video for the project, which should be next week.
noah.

COMING JAN 2012.

Okay so December is halfway over and I'm still not finished with my project..  It's important to me to have everything in line before launching the Kickstarter.  I still REALLY want to launch it January 1st if all goes smoothly.  I'm working hours on end to have it ready to launch by then, but I'm still lacking a few things..  
1. Making sure it gets proper media coverage (very important)
2. Polishing all the writing | working on a video (self explanatory)
3. Finish the first two plus a little more. 

The name of the project is, noah.
For more obvious purposes to be revealed soon..  I mean the sole purpose is spreading hope..  But how?  hmm ;)

Go 'like' the new Facebook page please!  You can even learn a BIT more about the project by visiting the page...
http://www.facebook.com/noahatx

wooooooooohooooooooooooooo, I just finished taking my last exam for the semester!  It feels awesome to have my first semester of college completed and under my belt.  It feels even better knowing I made the grades I wanted, after the countless hours I put into school, well worth it.  I guess my mom did a decent job homeschooling me, eh? >;)

Now I have 5 weeks off till next semester starts.  I'll be working on two main things; my new project and the blogging for Tom's!
It's my hope to release my new project January 1st.