I just need to get this out there.

Out of nowhere about three years ago I started struggling really bad with anxiety.  I'm not exactly sure of the MAIN cause, it started just after I had my first surgery in January 09'.  After multiple surgeries that year and my early retirement from motocross it escalated even more and made me start struggling with depression really badly.  

I was trying to cope with my motocross career being over.  Motocross was my life for 5 years.  I home schooled because I traveled so much racing and I couldn't attend a regular school.  5 days a week I would wake up, drive an hour to the track, ride for 4 hours, drive an hour home, go work out, and then with whatever time I had left I'd work on school.  Then countless weekends I'd be out of town racing at any given place in the states.  To say my life revolved around motocross would be a major understatement.  

When the time came to close the door and move forward, I was lost.  I didn't want to accept it but I couldn't really do much about it.  I felt like I lost my purpose in life.  At this point I really didn't know what to do with myself and I let my anxiety/depression start controlling my life.  For about a year I was off the radar.  I didn't really communicate with anyone or even hang out with friends for that matter.  I secluded myself away to my bedroom nights and weekends, instead of going out… 

So what'd I do about it?  I read a few books and had a few conversations with those around me.  My oldest brother really encouraged me to simply just, pursue what I want to do - get out of my hometown and go to school for design.  Up until he sat me down, I hadn't really had anyone tell me this simple advice 'DO WHAT MAKES YOU HAPPY/FOLLOW YOUR DREAMS'.  I know it almost sounds lame saying 'follow your dreams'.  But it's true, if you're gonna have to work your entire life, then at least do something you're passionate about.  Honestly, if it wasn't for him and the conversations we had, I don't know where I would be.  

Fast forward to the present….

I still struggle on and off with these emotions.  I'd love to say I fought off my demons and I'm completely cured.  But, I'm not.  I do have it under control a lot better then I used to.  Sometimes I'll go a week or even two without any problems then one day it'll all the sudden hit me out of nowhere.  And I'll struggle with it for a few days before getting back on track.  Some nights I can't even sit at a table full of friends, I just have to get up and leave.  It's really frustrating…  It's a fight each day, with some being easier then others.  But I remain positive because I know I'll get through it completely one day.  

I think no matter what path we take in life we're gonna have some rough patches.  I'm at a good point in my life now, I know I'm continuing to make an effort and striving towards making my dreams become reality.  In doing so I've pulled myself out of the slump that I used to be stuck in for so long and I've been out of it now for 7+ months.  I'm happy with myself for actually going after what I want the most, and not settling for less.  If you're doing the same thing you've always done, then you're going to get the same results you've always gotten.

It also has caused me to have really bad insomnia over the last few years.  And no, I'm not talking 2am and I'm still up.  I'm lucky to fall asleep before 5am.  It's usually in the range of 5am-6am when I fall asleep.  5 days a week I have to be up at 7am or 9am to go to class and I usually don't take naps during the day.  Sometimes I'll pull all nighters just so I can fall asleep at a decent time the next night.  Over the last 8+ months I've tried countless medicines to help me to sleep, but I still hadn't found anything that completely works.  But I do make the most of my time whether it be writing, studying, reading, designing, researching, etc…  

After reading all this don't take it as a pity party.  I know there's a million others out there like me, experiencing the same things and even 94390043x worse.  And for that reason it is my hope that others struggling can discover my blog and be able to relate and feel a sense of unity through my writing.  I'm working on some other blogs that kind've share what's helped me and gets me through my struggles.  


When I moved down to Austin I got a tattoo: Isaiah 41:10.  The verse reads: "Do not fear, for I am with you; do not look anxiously about you, for I am your God.  I will strengthen you, surely I will help you, surely I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."  This verse is essential to me as it describes so much of my life dealing with my anxiety problems.  I got it on my left wrist next to my scars that I received from my surgeries.  That way every time I look down I see the verse and am reminded.    

It also coincides with moving away to college and pursuing my dreams.  Moving away from home proved to be the hardest thing I've EVER done.  I moved three and a half hours away to a town where I knew no one.  I found my first roommate off Craigslist.  In the 4 months of living together we literally spoke a total of 50 words to each other.  Pretty sketchy, huh?  I had months of lonely nights and frustrations questioning my decisions.  Things were not working out as I envisioned.  It has been a trial to practice my faith and put my trust in God to let His will happen in His timing.  It seems like every time I start to doubt or get down, God opens a new door.